In Something New, another “guess who’s coming to dinner” Hollywood release, a 40ish black woman CPA juggles the expectation of friends and family that she date an “IBM,” ideal black man, and her attraction to the socially unacceptable white landscaper. While a Gallup Poll found that, the majority of Americans approve of interracial dating. When it comes to getting up close and personal with a member of another race or culture many older daters find themselves outside their cuddling comfort zone. Here are a few thoughts to guide you as you consider dating across the color line.
“See Me. Not the Fantasy.”
Focus on the person not a cultural stereotype. Don’t assume because she is a sister she is into rap music and would not mind hanging at the soul food place in da hood. Common courtesy dictates that you communicate with a date-to-be based on what they are on the inside rather than the color of their skin on the outside. Plus, when it comes to dating someone of another race both parties are often anxious about how they are being perceived in the situation. Ask for permission to talk about differing cultural backgrounds. By discussing the subject at the beginning of the relationship, you may avoid an ugly confrontation later.
“Have You Ever Dated A _____?”
It is only natural as a person of color to be curious about whether an interested party has dated outside their race before. But asking pointed questions about their previous racial dating history may make you both feel uncomfortable.
Another way to handle your concern is to say, “Tell me a little bit about your past dating experiences.” Most people love to talk about themselves, so when you open the door they will probably mention any mixed raced dating experiences they have had. Especially if they sense your interest and then you can always say ‘tell me more.’
Focus on Commonalities.
The two of you may have divergent cultural practices but at the same time be very alike in career choices, outside interests and big picture values. You have probably dated members of your own culture who you had less in common with in these areas.
Regardless of race, everyone has something unique to offer. Consider dating outside your culture and you might happily find yourself saying, “I never thought I’d date someone who is . . .” The cool thing about dating across the color line is it may surprise you that you have so much in common with someone who looks so different from you.
“Yes – He’s Coming to Dinner.”
Talk to family and friends in advance before they meet your date if you think there will be any issues. Don’t just tell friends about the new woman you are dating by starting every sentence with “She’s Chinese.” Or just as bad bring him home to meet your family without a word to anyone about the difference in your backgrounds.
A better approach is to paint a picture of the person. Make it more vivid than the guy is white or the woman is black. Talk about their interests, family background and include their race. In doing so, you are giving family and friends a chance to get to know why you are attracted to the person. They will not have to resort to pre-conceived ideas when they meet them because you have already laid the groundwork for a real person in their minds.
It’s a Preference Not Prejudice.
Talk to family and friends in advance before they meet your date if you think there will be any issues. Don’t just tell friends about the new woman you are dating by starting every sentence with “She’s Chinese.” Or just as bad bring him home to meet your family without a word to anyone about the difference in your backgrounds.
A better approach is to paint a picture of the person. Make it more vivid than the guy is white or the woman is black. Talk about their interests, family background and include their race. In doing so, you are giving family and friends a chance to get to know why you are attracted to the person. They will not have to resort to pre-conceived ideas when they meet them because you have already laid the groundwork for a real person in their minds.
DATE MORE CHALLENGE: Do a little soul-searching and ask yourself if you are ready to date someone of another race. If not, ask yourself, “Why not?” But don’t be too hard on yourself; remember the laws of attraction are governed by plenty of preferences.
